When I have asked managers why they hesitate to give constructive feedback to their employees, I hear things like:
- I’m worried she’ll get upset
- I’m afraid to hurt our relationship
- I don’t think he can take it and will argue
- I don’t want to start a conflict
What do all of these excuses have in common? Fear.
We fear the other’s reaction. Notice how in each of these explanations, the burden is put on the other person. “She’ll get upset” or “she won’t be able to take it” or “she’ll start a conflict” are not self-reflective statements. Is this what we really fear? Or, is it possible we lack confidence in our own communication skills and our ability to deliver feedback in a constructive and fair manner? Once feedback is delivered, do we struggle to remain confident in our opinion and feedback and not become conflict averse? Interestingly, people also say they fail to give positive feedback out of fear the other person will become arrogant or believe they have no room for improvement in the future.
I also hear comments like “he should know” and “its obvious to everyone — it is to him too.” I once listened to an executive explain to me an employee he had given “exceeds expectations” ratings to for eight years had always underperformed. When I asked him how the employee would know about his poor performance if he had gotten exceeds expectations ratings, this executive assured me the employee was aware of his own underperformance despite the ratings because it was so obvious.
This is denial. The person who says, “it’s obvious” and “she should know” is in denial. They are a step or two removed from seeing the picture clearly (in most cases, anyway). The reality is that people believe positive feedback. Those managers who are able to acknowledge they fear giving negative feedback aren’t in denial — they squarely see the problem.
I usually break communication down into three phases: (1) your motive or interest in communicating; (2) the skill or lack of skill with which you deliver your communication; and (3) the outcomes of your communication (i.e., the other’s reaction). Within these three phases, what can you control? Your own motive and your own skill only. Can you control the way the other receives it? No, you can’t. Even if you are in a relationship with the other person where they are subordinate to you (meaning you have power over them) they may choose only to tell you what you want to hear. You can’t control what they are thinking.
Rather than viewing the communication with your employee as having win-lose stakes with each encounter, think of it in terms of these three phases. First, what is your intent in the communication? Second, how can you phrase what you want to say so that it is objective, straightforward and also kind? Finally, recognizing that you can’t control outcomes, what is your hoped-for outcome? You have substantive goals, no doubt. But don’t you also have interpersonal goals? Such as:
- I want my employee to understand that I value him. With this goal, you wish for connection and mutual respect.
- I want her to see that this feedback is helpful to her career. With this goal, you wish to mentor the employee.
- I want him to be able to do this on his own for customers in the future. With this goal, you are focused on developing the employee and serving the customer.
All of these are interpersonal, trust and relationship goals. The first step in your employee being able to see your desire for this feedback to be helpful to him is to be in a helping frame of mind when you talk to him. This requires that you have faced your own concerns, fears or insecurities about giving the feedback. In other words, you must recognize or notice that you have fears about the interaction (before you are meeting with the employee) and to allow yourself to understand why you have them. Perhaps conflict was a fearful thing in your family of origin and you have avoided it ever since. Perhaps you doubt your own skill in delivering a message. Perhaps you’ve gotten burned in the past in delivering feedback. Perhaps you are too busy or pressured and feel angry about needing to communicate what is so obvious to you.
Regardless of any of these reasons, if you supervise people, you are expected to give them feedback and failure to do so could reflect poorly on you, whether or not you are just trying to avoid workplace conflict. In addition to fearing giving people feedback, supervisors often fail to manage their own emotions around giving feedback. Managing your own emotions includes waiting until you are calm and making sure you can separate your own emotional reactions from what happened.
SEP