Do you really have to be brutal when delivering feedback to others? Some people think “nice” is a four letter word. This comes from a workplace culture where people are afraid to speak the truth. Instead of looking for a “nice” way to communicate critical feedback, they think there is only the opposite choice — being cruel when giving feedback.
This is a classic example of dichotomous thinking. Dichotomous thinking means thinking of a situation in terms of black and white, or all-or-nothing. Either I’m kind or I’m mean. Either I’m smart or I’m dumb.
This is fallacious thinking. Very rarely are there only two choices which are polar opposites. Rather, there are almost always gradual shifts of small degrees along a continuum of a multitude of choices.
Consider these scenarios:
- I choose not to give direct feedback at all because I fear others’ reactions. I choose silence.
- I choose to give feedback via clear body language when appropriate.
- I choose to make a joking comment to someone which I actually truly mean.
- I choose to give someone some feedback, one-on-one when we both have a moment.
- I choose to diplomatically disagree, letting the person know, “I disagree. Are you open to discussing that?”
- I choose to give someone feedback, using “I” statements, being clear and also using my emotional intelligence to make sure the other person is bearing up well.
- I choose to berate and belittle the other person in front of others.
And these are only seven possible responses. There are hundreds more. There are not only two choices — either mean or nice. There are any number of varied responses, as varied as are the humans who are interacting.
What we should aim for is the ability to be authentic in conflict (which is what giving feedback is, after all). Authenticity means we own our own feelings and don’t try to project them onto others. Authenticity means our desired outcome is service to the client, helping our colleagues be successful and the mission of the organization. If we are authentic, we will be able to specifically identify the area which needs improvement because we will understand how it is impacting the organization, the team or the client.
The difference between the person who can deliver feedback which is both kind and direct and the person who can only deliver feedback which is direct is one thing — skill. It is possible to deliver feedback kindly which directly points up areas where the person needs to improve.
On the other side of this is the skill of the person who is on the receiving end of the feedback. Can this person understand the other’s goal is to help them improve? Can this person self-manage so they can understand and accrete the message? Again, interpersonal communication skill is a necessary component, as is the trust between the parties. For more on this topic, see my post on authentic communication from last month.
Encouraging people to be mean in the guise of being direct or honest is just bullying given license.
FEB